Photo credit: Foster Talk - New Foster Carer Award Winner - Paul (centre)
My experience as a single foster parent has been an interesting one. Going back many years, I worked with show jumping horses. It was the most amazing time of my life with overseas travel, building friendships, and the joy of winning top competitions. Watching young horses and riders develop into some of the best in the world, I always thought no other job could ever come near. I soon realised however, that this was a young person’s job and, if I wanted to put roots down, I would never do that whilst working in this profession.
I decided that in my spare time I would book myself onto an evening training course in order to work voluntarily with terminally ill children to help them have fun as well as giving the parents a break. I worked with children from a very young age up to late teens, and I loved it! I soon realised that at some point in my life I would like to do something along the same lines, full time, but as I had no real training, this would need to be put on hold as I needed to get a paid job as soon as possible when I left the horses in order to live.
After leaving the show jumping world, I got myself a job in the opencast coal mine, starting at the bottom and working my way up over the years to site Forman. It was a dirty job and very long hours and most of the time it was seven days a week. All the time I was working there, I was still thinking about working with young people in some way and being able to help them but always thought as a single man, living on his own, this would never be considered.
After many years of working in the opencast coal mine, I decided one day that I was going to find out about becoming a Foster Parent. I’m still a ‘bit of a kid’ at heart but I knew I could do it so, after much research looking at Local Authorities and IFAs, I decided to call By the Bridge and, to my surprise, I wasn’t rejected! Straight away, I was asked to come along to an introduction evening, so off I went.
The evening gave me a real insight into the ups and downs of fostering but it made me want to do it even more. Thankfully and to my surprise again, I was then invited to undertake a two day training course. I was still thinking that at some point I was going to be told that I couldn’t do it as I was a single male but how wrong was I. From that day on I can honestly say, it has been the most amazing time of my life!
I am now coming into my fourth year of fostering and the time has flown by. If I said it’s been plain sailing I would be lying - it hasn’t! We’ve had our ups and downs, like any family and it’s been an emotional roller coaster at times but forgetting all that, we’ve had more fun than anything! Being able to be part of my boys lives makes me feel privileged and very proud of them. The only regret I have is that I didn’t do this sooner.
When I got my first placement, it took me nearly three hours to get Steve* into the house. He was angry, upset, and very frightened but after much talking to him, I got him to calm down and come inside. Bearing in mind he had never met me, he did not know where he was and had just come straight from school. Who was I to know that was going to be the start to a very strong relationship.
I soon learnt that Steve had a love of water so for eight months we spent every night at the swimming pool. For him this was his safe place; he would splash about in his own world and get all his frustration and anger out whilst feeling safe. It did not take long before I was able to get in the pool and start having fun together - we played games, and this in turn led to conversation and trust.
When Steve first came to live with me he didn’t want to do much apart from going to the swimming pool and eating. Three and a half years later, he is now a 6’ 1”, young man who is very sporty. He undertakes activities nearly every night of the week and loves sea cadets. He wants to join the Navy when he leaves school and, as far as school goes, he has never stopped achieving. He is now one of the top pupils of his year and is part of the school council.
When I listen to people talk about him it just chokes me up. I can see and I know just how hard he has worked and is still working to make a fantastic future for himself. I write this with so much pride and respect for him. People tell me what an amazing job I have done with him but I don’t really like that. It is him that has done all the hard work and it is him that wanted to change himself. If you get a baker to make you a cake we would say ‘thank you, what an amazing job you have done making that cake’ but without somebody providing the ingredients he would not have be able to make the cake. That is what I have done; I have given my foster son the ingredients and he has put them all together and turned himself into the person he is today.
My young lad does talk about being in care, he has a very articulate way of expressing what he believes are the ingredients needed to be a foster parent, and I believe that is commitment. Just being able to have fun and offering lots of love and making sure they know how valued they are is what’s important.
As a proud foster parent, my oldest foster child has just finished his first year at collage, he is doing well and is very settled, and he is becoming more of a ‘typical’ seventeen year old teenager. He is starting to make decisions in what he wants to do in life whilst my youngest, at fourteen, is also going from strength to strength.
My life has changed so much but there is not a day goes by that I don’t think to myself what a brilliant life I have with two fantastic young people and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
Read Steve's* story below.
I remember the first day I was taken into care well. I’d been with my Mum to the shops and had no idea of what was to come. I remember her telling me that I had to go or I would be forced by the police so I had no choice.
When we got home I was told that I could stay for half an hour to speak with my Mum about what I hoped Paul was like, but after 10 minutes, there was a knock at the door and my social worker was ready to take me. I asked if I could have five more minutes with my Mum and they agreed. Those last five minutes with my Mum meant so much to me and I felt more confident about moving forward and leaving. But as I got to the front door it felt like an invisible wall had just stopped me I couldn’t move.
After some time my Mum calmed me down and lead me to the car. As I waved back at my Mum it felt like life had given up on me. I felt worthless. On the way to Paul’s my social worker tried to make conversation with me but I was too upset to speak. Once we were getting closer to the house I tried hard to remember the route but it was of no use as I could hardly see from the tears streaming down my face.
When we pulled up outside the house I wanted to speak to my Mum again because I was very scared and at that time I didn’t know Paul yet. My social worker eventually agreed I could speak to my Mum on the basis that I would then go into the house and settle down for the night - so of course I agreed.
After a very long phone call with my Mum I was walked into the house by my social worker and Paul. Once I was in, Paul made me a brew and calmed me down. That night I got to pick my bedroom and obviously I picked the biggest. Once I had got all my stuff put in my bedroom and had got ready for bed, Paul came in, gave me a hug and really helped me get through the first night.
If Paul wasn’t there I would be lost all my life. Paul to me is my Dad and always will be.
